For a long time ive spoke about getting a social life. I spend far too much time on the computer looking at news websites all day and worrying about the state of the world. i realise or should i say recognise ive been in denial for some time. ive convinced myself that im just on the web all day because im interested in politics and the worlds issues and religion and philosophy etc. Thats half true. These things do interest me but ive been using them as a way to withdraw from the world and not face up to the depresion i suffer from. I dont easily do well in social groups and never have. My adhd plays a big part but there was once a time when i not just had a life i had a very exiting life travelling all over the world backpacking making friends along the way including tomi, sache, mark etc. Most slowly lost contact over the years partly from me making no effort to retain friendships. I was always content with one or two good friends who were equally reclusive in nature. Although always broke whilst travelling i do have some very good memories of scuba diving, having fun with friends on the beach. the days when i was almost a care free teenager. I was never care free in my 20's. I was still hung over from unhappy school days and probably reserved when it came to letting go at a party. In my teens and 20s i used drugs to self medicate my troubled mind. I always gravitated to intellectual discusions since i saw the world as increasingly mindless. Then came the late twentys and early thirtys.......VOID...WRITE OFF...WHERE DID THEY GO? WHAT DID I DO?. Last thing i remember was comming back from australia broke as usual and falling into melloncolly and now im 35 years old and struggling. About 7 Years wasted where i achieved and did almost zilch apart from a few brief jobs. I think its taken 7 years just to reset my brain from the drugs. When in Oz i quit cold turkey overnight. That was about 10 years ago. No cigarettes, Alcohol, Drugs, NOTHING! on new years eve i just started running and fitness and got realy fit briefly for 3 mths and kept tea total for about a decade. (Strangely enough those 3 mths i concider the best memories of my life working with friends in fruit orchards. I now need to repeat that effort of ten years ago and spend the next ten years working hard doing anything that makes money to begin with. The dreams will come later with patience. The truth is i need to help myself now before i slip into more depresion and demotivation. Im going to quit this ritalin too like i did all other vices ten years ago before i started on ritalin again this year. Tmrw i will go for a morning run and that run will signal the start of a long road to good times again. I remember my first run on the 1st of jan the morning after i went tea total in Queensland. Like forest gump, he just started running and he never looked back. Thats the only way i have ever known how to motivate myself. All or nothing mentality.
My mind is so crowded with thoughts i feal so overwealmed. This apparently is typical adhd symptom. the thoughts never go anywhere and nothing gets done because i find it so difficult to understand what thoughts i need to take as priority. It feels like a soup of thoughts revolving that never comes together to form a plan of action. i simply have a seveer planning defecit. I disability ive had all my life that has frankly held me back so much. This is why i write this blog to try and organise and eject all i think about and then try to dispose of all the crap and prioritize the important stuff. People without this problem will probably say...oh everyone feels like that soupy head!. but this is so extreem i struggle at times to make a cup of tea for family and talk at the same time. There is a part of the brain that deals with planning. That part with my brain is simply broken and almost totally non functional.
I just need stop thinking so hard!!!! but i dont know how! its so compulsive and obsessional i struggle a lot. i simply need to try something new. I need to get fit as stage one of mental recovery i dont need to think what stage 2 will be yet but maybe it will be finding a girlfriend again and do stained glass again.
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